I feel like I’m supposed to write something today. It is a big day, after all. Or maybe it’s just supposed to be? I’m not really sure. Today marks three years since my last suicide attempt, and while I had originally wanted today to be a celebration, it just feels like any other day. But maybe that’s a good thing.
In these last three years, I’ve experienced so much growth. I lived through my first long-term relationship, and survived the end of it. I made choices that broke my heart and choices that strengthened it. I’ve made more friends than I could count, and sadly lost a few along the way. I’ve found a stable mixture of medications with the help of a supportive psychiatrist. I’ve found places where I belong, and moved on from places where I didn’t. I’ve become more stable — more whole. Most importantly, though, I’ve become truer to myself and more open about my experiences, and as a result, have had the opportunity to use my personal struggles to help others find their way through their own. I’ve found that’s the best way to deal with tragedy — to be able to use the experience of living through it to become more empathetic to the people around us.
The relative emotional stability I’ve found, though, is not to suggest I haven’t had my struggles these past three years. It just means that I now know I can survive them, which is the biggest thing I’ve learned. I’m stronger than I ever thought I could be, and I’m lucky enough to be able to keep growing. Only a few years ago, I had resigned myself to the idea that regardless of what sort of life I lived, I was inevitably going to die by my own hand. I don’t believe that anymore. Of course I’ll die someday, but it won’t be as a result of my mental illness. I know that. That knowledge is something I never thought I’d have, but I’ve found such peace in the defiance of who I thought I had to be, in favor of who I actually am.
My mental illnesses do not define me. Yes, my lifelong struggles with them have helped me grow into the person I am now, so I can’t say I regret what I have gone through, because I truly love who I am and who I am continuously becoming. And I know I make mistakes and hurt people like anyone else, but I’m try to get better, not just about making amends, but about doing better by others moving forward.
Of course, it’s hard to talk about all this without addressing the major celebrity suicides that just occurred this past week. So many friends have been posting so many conflicting messages: reach out for help if you struggle with mental health issues! No, don’t expect us to reach out for help, you have to reach out to us! Here’s the number for the suicide prevention hotline (found conveniently as the header image to this blog)! No, the suicide hotline doesn’t actually help! We have to help each other through our struggles! No, we can’t depend on others for our mental well-being!
The thing is, there’s truth to all these statements. If you’re struggling with mental health issues, reaching out for help can feel like an insurmountable task, but people are always more willing to listen and help than your illnesses would have you believe. If you see someone who seems to be struggling (and some symptoms are easier to spot than others), ask them what’s up. See if there’s anything they need that you might be able to help provide — simple kindnesses can go so much further than we believe. Honestly, my one experience with the suicide hotline wasn’t super helpful, but to someone else, the right call at the right time might literally be life-saving, so stop shaming people who post the number with good intention, for goodness’ sake. Should we help each other through our struggles? As much as we can, of course — but don’t ask friends to provide the services that only a trained professional is qualified to provide.
Honestly, I think the best thing people can do for each other with regards to mental health issues is to educate each other, and provide as many resources as we can find for getting on the road to recovery. Sure, venting can help immensely, but one of the best things anyone ever did for me was when my older sister helped me find a therapist — a trained and qualified individual who was infinitely more equipped than anyone in my family or circle of friends to help me through my mental illnesses. In many ways, we may still be in the dark ages when it comes to understanding mental health, but safe and accessible mental health care is literally life-saving. There are doctors, therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists, nurses, and emergency technicians who are all willing and able to help — and that’s not even counting the loved ones who will help you find your way to them.
If you’re reading this and don’t know where to go or who to turn to, please know that so many people are in your corner. You are loved. You are appreciated. Your presence in this world matters, because this world would never be the same without you. You will touch so many lives and live through so many things (good, bad, and everything in between) that you can’t let yourself miss out on. If you need help finding these resources, please reach out — to me, to friends, to family, to anyone you think might be willing and able to help. You can survive this. And from someone who has survived it, know that you WILL survive it. Just take it one day at a time, and we’ll get through this the way that people were meant to: together.
I love you all.
Marina's Musings 