A New Year.

I’ve spent the last few days agonizing over the fact that I won’t be getting a New Year’s kiss this year. For context, I’ve gotten a New Year’s kiss every year since 2013 (the year I got my first kiss), even going so far as to kiss an attractive stranger at the changeover from 2014 to 2015. It’s kind of become a tradition for me, so breaking that seems a little scary, and…look, who am I kidding? It’s a dumb tradition that I’ve kept up out of chance and my own insecurities about my ability to be loved. New Year’s kisses are romantic, yes, I won’t deny that, but they’ve said nothing about the year I was about to have. They are kisses that happen during a celebratory moment, but so many kisses do that, and I’m not sitting here freaking out over every single one of those kisses, am I?

2017 has been a year of growth and change, particularly in the latter half. I spent most of the year in a relationship that I loved being in, and the time since I’ve out of it has been spent reintegrating back into my old job, rebuilding my social life, and reevaluating who I am and want to be. It’s not exactly uncommon for 22-year-olds to not know who they are, and I realized that I’ve been holding on to a lot, and a lot of it is stuff I’m ready to let go and grow out of.

I spent my day cleaning and unpacking the last of the boxes in the house I’ve lived in for almost a month now, and at some point while putting laundry away, I had a realization: I cared more about having an altogether arbitrary New Year’s kiss than who I might be having it with. I cared more about getting a kiss than giving one. I was so wrapped up in this idea of how my year would end, that I haven’t given nearly as much thought as I would like as to how the year that’s about to begin will go. In that moment, I realized that there’s a lot I don’t like about myself. And honestly, that’s something I knew already, but this realization was unique in the sense that I realized that I can change the things about myself that I don’t like. I can work on who I want to be, and I’m going to dedicate this next year to doing that. I’ve honestly never been one for New Year’s resolutions, but maybe (maybe) instead of focusing on who I’m kissing at the exact moment that midnight strikes, maybe I’ll be taking into stock all the things about my life that I love.

To 2017: Thank you for the love I had in my life. From my family, from my friends, from Cliff. Thank you for showing me that I am truly capable of being loved. Thank you for the challenges and heartbreak — they have helped me grow. Thank you for allowing me to use that growth and experience to help others. Thank you for the connections I made with new people that I care about. Thank you for the losses I suffered — they put the love I still have in my life into perspective. Thank you for pushing me out of my comfort zone and breaking my heart. I wouldn’t be the woman I am in this exact moment if it weren’t for that, and I’m learning to appreciate her a little bit more every day.

To 2018, I have some resolutions; some tangible, some not so much.

• I want to actually focus on my physical health. My body went through some serious changes this year, and I want to be stronger and more fit. I want to be more physically capable as an actor. I’ll be starting every other day by working out first thing in the morning.
• I want to create more art.
  • I will play at least one song on the ukulele at least once a week, whether it’s a new one or one I already know by heart.
  • I will write poetry when I feel things that make me want to write poetry.
  • I will write blogs when I feel things that make me want to write blogs (like right now).
  • I will cosplay at every charity event and con I can make it to, and I will debut at least two new costumes this year.
  • I will be in at least one musical this year. I’m ready to step out of my comfort zone and start auditioning. I can do this, and if I’m not ready, I will learn until I am.
• I will learn to love myself as I am, and not just because someone is in love with me. I will dedicate the time towards learning who I want to be, just as myself.
• Finally (taking a nerdy page out of this year’s Doctor Who Christmas special): I will always try to be nice, but I will never fail to be kind. As someone I love very much once said: “‘I don’t want to’ is not a good enough reason to not be kind.”

2018 will be the year of kindness: to my family, my friends, my community — and to myself. Tonight, I will be partying with my coworkers and friends. I will be getting drunk, lighting sparklers, telling dumb jokes, and hugging everyone I see. Tonight is not about the kiss I get at the end — it’s about the year that has been, and the year that will be tomorrow. That’s more than enough to celebrate.

Endings and Beginnings.

Today, a Facebook post from a friend asked people to comment some of their favorite memories from the year. Normally, I’m all about joining in such threads, but I paused when reading this one, not really sure how to comment. The majority of this year was spent dating Cliff, so most of my happy memories are associated with that relationship. The problem with commenting these, of course, was that Cliff and I broke up almost two months ago.

Let me tell you, that sentence was very weird to type.

Let me explain: it’s weird in the sense that it’s sad, yes — it’s hard not to be sad when you spend almost two years building a life with someone only to have that imagined future disappear. But it’s also weird in the sense that it’s not sad — it’s just reality now. And I’ll be honest, I miss Cliff like crazy sometimes. In many ways, he was my best friend — in others, he was my only friend, which was exactly the problem. Without going too much into the private details of our breakup, I lost myself in the relationship, and coming back to the idea of finding myself outside it is sad, not sad, scary, exhilarating, and weird, all at the same time.

I think it would be very easy to call this year a wash, to act as if I in some way “wasted” my time with Cliff because the relationship is now over. I see friends do that about exes all the time, and it honestly breaks my heart. Time spent loving someone is never wasted, even when it’s over. Besides, I firmly believe that once you find a reason to love someone, you never really stop, even if that love changes.

I don’t regret my relationship with Cliff one bit. There were challenges, yes, and differences and issues that, in the end, proved too much for the relationship. But we grew from these, whether we realized it or not at the time. I’m not the same person I was when I fell in love with Cliff almost two years ago. And yes, that is partially why the relationship ended, but it’s also a cause for celebration in some sense. I grew from my time with him. I experienced true love for the first time, and while it may not have always been a fairy tale, it was real, and I am so, so grateful. Cliff was the first partner I’ve ever had to tell me he loved me, and nothing can ever take that special first away. Nothing will ever negate the love we shared, though our lives have gone separate ways. The end of the relationship is sad, and there’s no way around that, but the start of whatever my new life will be is already really exciting. My social life has improved drastically, and I’m so incredibly thankful to the new, old, and rekindled friendships with the wonderful people in my life, so many of whom have helped me through this incredibly difficult time in so many ways.

Some of my favorite memories are going to be ones that I shared with Cliff, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. That time with never be wasted, but I’m also excited for the new memories I get to build as my own person. Tough as they may be, here’s to new beginnings. See you soon, 2018. I can’t wait to see what you have to offer.